


Now and Then, I Pretend It's You When I Close My Eyes

by kh_94



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:09:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4098850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kh_94/pseuds/kh_94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s as if there’s something tugging at her, causing an unsettling feeling in her chest. She can’t exactly place what it is, or maybe she doesn’t want to.</p>
<p>Laura shakes her head, clearing herself of the thought. Laura’s over Carmilla, even though it took a hell of a long time to get to this point. She doesn’t need a rogue thought messing up everything she’s built.</p>
<p>[Sequel to I Hope It's Nice Where You Are]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now and Then, I Pretend It's You When I Close My Eyes

It’s been 35 minutes and she still doesn’t know how to feel.

Laura never really expected to see Carmilla again after they broke up eight years ago but yet here she is, sitting in her apartment, 35 minutes after running into Carmilla as she had made her way out of a 7-Eleven after buying a pack of gum.

Laura thinks back to the interaction and she remembers how she turned around and hugged Carmilla. She squeezes her eyes shut at the memory, slightly embarrassed. _Why_ did she do that? It was inappropriate. But she didn’t want their run-in to end entirely negatively, the air heavily laced with things they couldn’t say. She needed it to end with something real and the best she could do was a hug, one that Carmilla didn’t return.

Laura had thought about Carmilla a few times in the past few years but it was always fleeting and she learned to push those thoughts away, knowing it wouldn’t do any good if she dwelled on them. But now that she had seen Carmilla again, it’s not as easy to ignore the little voice in her head. Carmilla looked as beautiful as she always did, although there was an air of tiredness to her that Laura doesn’t remember being there. Laura wonders if she could be blamed for that but she thinks that would be taking too much credit; she knows Carmilla loved her when they were together but she’s sure Carmilla has more important things on her mind now. If she’s being completely honest, it worries her a little but she didn’t ask because it’s no longer her place to. She made sure of that when she was the one who broke off their relationship all those years ago.

Laura knows she should be getting dinner started but she can’t seem to move, rooted to the couch with her jacket still on. It’s as if there’s something tugging at her, causing an unsettling feeling in her chest. She can’t exactly place what it is, or maybe she doesn’t want to.

Laura shakes her head, clearing herself of the thought. Laura’s over Carmilla, even though it took a hell of a long time to get to this point. She doesn’t need a rogue thought messing up everything she’s built.

But she can’t help herself and she allows herself a small moment of weakness, thinking about all the questions she wishes she could have asked Carmilla. _How is she really doing? Is she ok? Has she found someone else? Where had she been since they last saw each other?_ But more than wanting answers to her questions, Laura wishes that she could have had more time to just look at Carmilla. She wishes that Carmilla had said yes to her invitation for coffee, although she knows it would have been a bad idea if she did.

It seems like Laura’s wishing for a lot that she shouldn’t be right now.

Laura hears keys outside the front door but it barely registers until she hears the door closing again. She looks over, somewhat surprised as she’s disturbed from her thoughts, and sees her girlfriend eyeing her warily as she hangs up her coat.

“Hey, babe, are you ok?”

Laura remembers herself and smiles, getting up from the couch. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I was just lost in my thoughts. Good day at work?” She makes her way over to where her girlfriend is and kisses her. Somehow it doesn’t taste as sweet as it did this morning.

Laura works on autopilot as her girlfriend talks about her day, nodding and responding as necessary. But her mind is elsewhere – or more specifically, it’s back on Broadway outside the 7-Eleven.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Huh?” Laura breaks out of her reverie, unaware that she had slipped into one. She looks up to see her girlfriend looking at her with concern so she laughs lightly, hoping to put her girlfriend at ease. “I’m seriously fine. I just have some work stuff on my mind.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Laura isn’t sure why she said it, considering it’s an outright lie and she has nothing to hide. Running into Carmilla isn’t something she has to hide.

Her girlfriend kisses her on the top of the head. “How about you go take a shower while I get started on dinner? It might help clear your head.”

Laura nods, feeling both grateful at her girlfriend’s kindness and guilty for a reason she can’t even place. She heads into their room and grabs a change of clothes before walking towards the bathroom. She quickly turns on the shower, hopping in before the water even has a chance to warm up. The cold startles her but she welcomes it, feeling the need to wash herself of whatever she’s feeling.

Laura steels herself, determined to not let this go any further. She can’t afford to let herself feel like this. She’s happy and she won’t let a chance run-in with Carmilla ruin any of that. She’s moved on and created a good life for herself. She can’t let this ruin her again.

But even as she repeats these thoughts to herself again and again, a few tears still slip through her defenses, the stream of water from the shower head above washing them away as soon as they fall. She closes her eyes and focuses on the feeling of the water running down her body. It’s all she can do to stop herself from breaking down completely.

She reminds herself that she chose this; Laura knows she has no one but herself to blame. But that doesn’t make it easier. Feeling this way again after all the years that have passed, she doesn’t know if anything ever will.

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspired to write this short drabble as a kind-of sequel to I Hope It's Nice Where You Are. I know it's super short and not the best but it's still a miracle that it turned out at all, considering I haven't had any inspiration to write in while.
> 
> If you wish to leave a comment, it's always appreciated and I love reading them (and for those of you who read Take My Hand, maybe your comments will push me to finish off the latest chapter).


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